It’s finally fall, folks! Summer is over, and, at least for me, the end of summer means that Adam Sandler will crawl back into his gold-plated limo for another nine months and stop making those movies where loud manchildren with funny voices learn important lessons about responsibility, or family, or whatever, thus clearing the way for all the serious directors with beards who make real movies about real issues, like responsibility and family and whatever.
Which means it’s time, once again, for the Abstract Academic Occasionally Annual Fall Movie Preview! (P.S. — Keep an eye out for the special 😉 sign, which signifies a special awards watch for a movie, director, actor or actress named Meryl Streep!).
The Battle of Martha’s Vineyard. History often skips over this important 1982 skirmish between six investment bankers’ wives and the local branch of the American Kennel Club over the right to interbreed dachshunds (wiener dogs) and Irish wolfhounds. Casualties were minimal, but several platters of cucumber sandwiches were spilled. Meryl Streep 😉 stars as Bootsie Joyce-Daniels in this witty and cerebral tale of female empowerment, yachts and Milk-Bones.
Dora the Explorer’s Big Movie. Jessica Alba stars as a grown-up Dora in her quest to deliver some milk and cookies to Benny the Bull (Alfred Molina 😉), now an institutionalized cookie addict. Orlando Bloom co-stars as Boots the Monkey, whose cross-species love for Dora is forbidden.
Dignity. This much-talked-about film stars Sir Ian McKellan 😉 as George I of Great Britain as he excitingly arranges for the ratification of the Treaty of Hanover in 1725, designed to counterbalance the riveting Austro-Spanish Treaty of Vienna. Co-starring are Dame Judi Dench, Rutherford Fotteringham, Gilliam Sussman-on-Treadwater-Snipe III, and many large and conveniently empty rooms that look very British.
This Old House: The Film. Do you miss watching lengthy conversations by middle-aged men in flannel about the merits of ceramic tile? I know I do. Zach Galifinakis will star in this old-school reality-TV reboot as Bob Vila. Zach Galifinakis’ beard 😉 will be playing Bob Vila’s beard.
Tyler Perry’s “I Can’t Believe You’re Still Coming To See Medea Do More Ridiculous Things.” The studio, out of mercy, did not screen this for critics.
Prohibition. James Cameron, the visually stunning director of such visually stunning films as Titanic and Avatar, delivers this visually stunning masterpiece based in Depression-era Chicago. Meryl Streep 😉, in what may be the defining role of her career, plays Al Capone in what historians call “a visually stunning manner.”
I’m Still Relevant. Jim Carrey, Chris Tucker, Pauly Shore 😉 and Robin Williams band together to star in this dramedy about a group of fading comedians, desperate to find some way to stay famous. Madonna directs.
The Hills of Somewhere Scenic. A possibly stirring romance set probably in post-war autumn New England, or maybe some Kansas wheat fields 😉, or something, starring Don Cheadle, Minnie Driver and Dakota Fanning 😉 in a charming supporting role as the elderly farmhand.
Incorrigible. In an effort to buck her traditionally rebellious, younger roles, Kristen Stewart will be playing a rebellious young high school girl who falls in love with an older man, probably played by one of those attractive, boring guys like Patrick Dempsey or Luke Something 😉. He takes off his shirt a lot.
Just So Cute. Cameron Diaz stars in this romantic comedy as a lovably klutzy kindergarten teacher/art gallery supervisor/cupcake enthusiast who falls in love with a puppy trainer (Matthew McGounhchgyaahcay) who is also very wealthy. Will they get together in the end? Oooh! I don’t know! Just kidding. They do get together.
Spiderman: Again. Guillermo del Toro 😉 directs this long-awaited reboot of the classic superhero story, uniting a strong cast led by Meryl Streep 😉 as the young and confused web-slinger, Peter Parker.