My dress isn't white for nothing. (Photo Credit: Brittney Irwin Photography)
My dress isn’t white for nothing. (Photo Credit: Brittney Irwin Photography)

Sex. There, I said it. I’m not really sure how or why, but sex has become a taboo topic in modern society. We’re all ashamed to talk about it, yet it’s something that I think, especially as college students, we need to be open about.

Recently I saw a blog post floating around on Facebook. Samantha Pugsley’s regrets about losing her virginity on her wedding night both saddened me and made me stop and think about my own first experience with sex. Where she wishes she hadn’t have waited, I am so glad I did.

For one, Pugsley and I both waited until we were married to lose our “V” cards. We both took vows of chastity before we really understood what that meant. We both come from highly religious backgrounds. She said in her post she was Baptist and I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS).

Like Pugsley, I stood at the hotel bathroom door in white lingerie, reassuring myself that even though I was terrified, I had done the right thing in waiting and  losing my virginity to my husband.

The main difference, at least in my opinion, between Pugley’s experience and mine was why we waited. Sure, it started the same, with church leaders who taught us that sex before marriage was wrong, but it definitely ended differently.

Through my own decisions and mistakes, I grew to understand that I was waiting not because I was told to, or because God would bless me for my decisions, but because I needed that peace of mind that abstinence would give me.

By choosing to wait for my husband, I knew that I wouldn’t have to deal with the tangled up emotions that come with sex. It doesn’t matter how hardened you want to tell me you are, sex is an emotional act. Science has proven that sex releases hormones that make us want to cuddle and builds affectionate feelings. You can’t just have sex and not feel the emotional repercussions of it.

I won’t lie about wanting to not wait. There were countless times I thought I just couldn’t stand it anymore and I wanted to fall into bed with my husband. I know I prayed a lot and that my then-fiancé-now-husband prayed a lot. That we made it until our wedding night is a testament to me that God answers prayers, because we certainly did not have the strength to hold onto our virginity without heaven’s help.

Another important point I think Pugsley got wrong is feeling ashamed of having sex with her husband. How is it wrong to love and make love with your husband? That’s part of why you married him, right? There’s no shame in having sex after marriage.

God commanded Adam and Eve to have sex after they left the garden.  I believe that everyone on this Earth is a child of God, descendants of Adam and Eve and that we each have that same sacred commandment to enjoy this earth life, sex, marriage and all.

One thing I do agree with Pugsley about is that now that I’m done writing this, it is nobody’s business what my husband and I do in the privacy of our home. None whatsoever.

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7 Comments

  1. Well said! I’m glad someone like you had the nerve to write this. There are a lot of people, both in and out of college that could learn from your example.

  2. In the book of Genesis God ordained marriage between a man and a woman and said they were to leave mother and father and “be one flesh”. And the next verse said that they were both naked “and were not ashamed”. Speaking from the male point of view, I believe too many women from conservative backgrounds are afraid of sex even after marriage and sadly miss much of the joys that can come from this great gift of God. I believe only two rules govern sexual expression between a man and a woman, and they are 1) that both partners are in full agreement, and 2) that they are legally and lawfully married. Thanks for having the courage to publish your views.

  3. Once again another article from an LDS writer. This entire paper has a skewed LDS point of view.

    1) The caption of your picture “My dress isn’t white for nothing.” Do you realize how horrible you sound? Lots of women who have premarital sex wear white wedding dresses. Does that make there dress tacky or improper? No.

    2) Sex is not a taboo topic. We aren’t living in the fifties! Who is ashamed to talk about sex? Religious people? You make a an absolute statement (“We’re all ashamed to talk about it”) that has zero merit.

    3)Congratulations on drawing attention to your sex life. I don’t see articles being printed about “Why I didn’t wait.” Or, “I’m having lots of sex and I’m happy!” You speak of ‘tangled up’ emotions that come from ‘casual’ sex. Not all sex outside of marriage is casual. You’ve never had sex outside of marriage. And, you have no idea the emotions that come from ‘casual’ sex. How can you discuss something you have never experienced? You’ve had sex with ONE man. You have ZERO authority to talk about sex outside of marriage or the ‘tangled up’ emotions that can result from premarital sex. You aren’t a sex therapist, a psychologist, or even a women who has had sex with multiple people. Your a women raised in Utah who graduated high school, got married, and had sex. You know NOTHING about the emotional connection that casual sex has.

    4) You talk about how HARD it was for you to wait, how you resisted with God’s help, how it was a HUGE trial in your life. How old are you? 20? A quick Facebook search reveals you graduated high school in 2012. Your trying to impress people that you waited until age 20 to have sex? Really? Good luck. Your young. It’s not like you got married at 40 and spent years celibate for religious reasons.

    5) You believe sex to be sacred and special and how your sex life is no ones business.Yet you write articles about standing in white lingerie and how you could barely resist not falling into bed with your fiance. No one cares about your sex life except you. Congratulations you had sex. You don’t need to announce it to the world. We don’t care.

    6) You write, ” There’s no shame in having sex after marriage.” This implies that women who have sex before they are married should feel ashamed. We don’t.

    5) You are on person with one experiencing. Pugsley is another person with another experience. Your article tries to argue against her. Why can’t you just realize that people are DIFFERENT. LOTS of women have been raised in oppressive shaming sexual environments (e.g. the LDS faith) have difficult time having sex once they are married. The “No, No, No” voice in their head is being forced to suddenly say, “GO GO GO.” That’s a HUGE and sudden change to make. Sex changes people. Stop invalidating these woman’s apprehensive and shameful feelings. Their feelings aren’t wrong or silly. They feel this way based on how they were taught to treat sex. There is no shame in having sex after marriage (or before!). These women need counseling. Not your judgement.

    7) Your article sounds like a church talk. Print it off and use it for your next talk. Non religious students are SICK of all these LDS articles in the school paper. I don’t see articles about any other religions. Just the LDS religion.

    I’m married. I had sex before marriage with multiple people. And, I’m glad I did. My past sexual partners were wonderful. They helped me understand my body. I’ve had casual sex with people I didn’t love. And, those experiences were great. I’m not ‘hardened’ emotionally. Sex is emotional. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t have sex outside of marriage. My relationship with my husband has benefited from my past sexual experiences. I’m GLAD I didn’t wait. And, I’m not ashamed.

    1. Settle down, Tiger. It’s an opinion piece. The paper has had plenty of anti-lds opinion pieces. I, for one, am happy to see this balance.

  4. Not married yet… have had a decent amount of sex with different partners… no tangled up emotions. just sayin. The only time I was emotionally “tangled” about getting sexual with guys was when i was religious.

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