You know us. We have people everywhere. Nothing in this country happens without our hand in it. Now, for a limited time, the 200-year-old secret society is taking applications for new members!
Here are five reasons to join the original secret society.
- Democracy has failed. This is the next best thing.
Ever wish your voice counted in our society? So did we. Then we had a better idea: why let everyone have a voice when you could make sure only the right people could actually change things?
Members of our society are guaranteed inclusion on our list of “right people.” Come help us rig elections, buy votes in the legislature and orchestrate shadow social media campaigns to effect real change in our world.
- We have all the secrets. All of them.
Did you ever wonder who really killed John F. Kennedy? What about that moon landing? New members have full access to all our entry-level secrets, housed in a secure bunker in Area 51.
With your introductory subscription, get the scoop on the ’60s, Ley Lines and Ancient Egypt, plus access to an exclusive discount on our advanced subscription, which adds the secrets of Scientology, Roswell and what really happened in the 2000 presidential elections.
- Free access to our game room for a month.
Our agents are everywhere, and they all agree: We’ve got the best game room ever. Secreted in a mountain fortress somewhere in the Rockies, shoot pool and smoke only the finest Cuban cigars with your enlightened brothers and sisters.
For an additional fee, you can host your own events in our expansive facilities. They’re perfect for company conferences, high school dances and clandestine meetings for your latest underground conspiracy. Get access today!
- Get advanced access to new versions of U.S. currency.
Our special currency and origami departments work around the clock to embed secret messages in the lifeblood of the republic: U.S. currency.
All members of the Illuminati are granted early access to new currency designs, including instructions on how to discover all our hidden messages and a secure line to our designers, all of whom welcome your comments and questions.
- Ten lucky new members will be featured as a cameo in Dan Brown’s next thriller.
Multiple New York Times bestselling author Dan Brown has, in an exclusive deal with the powers that be, offered to add 10 new Illuminati members in his latest thriller covering an ancient conspiracy behind the creation of the state of Florida.
The lucky winners can specify how their name will appear, draft two lines of description included in the novel and even specify the method their character will perish at the hand of Brown’s intrepid hero.
All applicants should meet with our WSU liaison Professor Sinestera in the astrology department and email your resume to email@example.com
Clarification: None of the facts you have read are true. Happy April Fool’s Day.