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How to write a paper in no time flat

From doing something “for the vine” to “the internet made me do it,” there are countless examples of useless information that you can learn on the interwebs, like how to build a bomb while in the airport, and there are countless examples that might actually be useful, like how to write a paper in less than 24 hours.

Since finals are right around the corner, we might actually need both, but the latter is probably much more useful. So how do you procrastinate so much and still get a good grade (possibly)?

Transcense COO and cofounder Pieter Doevendas, right, works with intern Lutetia Li at the company's office in Oakland, Calif., on July 27, 2015. Transcense is developing an app that is a smart captioner for people with hearing loss. (Kristopher Skinner/Bay Area News Group/TNS)
Transcense COO and cofounder Pieter Doevendas, right, works with intern Lutetia Li at the company’s office in Oakland, Calif., on July 27, 2015. Transcense is developing an app that is a smart captioner for people with hearing loss. (Kristopher Skinner/Bay Area News Group/TNS)

Don’t stress

We all can pretend like we write our essays weeks and weeks in advance, but let’s be serious — we watch Netflix until the night before it’s due, sometimes even that same day. And this isn’t always a bad thing.

I have been doing exactly this since I began writing, but as soon as I start stressing about what I am writing, I start writing garbage that “I’m sure that all my teachers enjoy reading,” I said never.

So go buy some chocolate, rent a cat, take a nap — do whatever you need to do to procrastinate a little longer, but once you finally get around to writing, remember not to stress. Stress increases blood pressure, which reduces bloodflow to the brain, which interferes with your ability to think.

Google is your best friend

Google can teach you almost everything. I’m not saying drop out of school because you have Google on your side. What I am saying is that might be an option if you do find yourself stressing.

If you are able to put the stress behind you, however, your next step is to Google the crap out your topic. Find out as much as you possibly can and then get to writing.

Just write

So your brain is smart and now it’s full of random information that you’ve learned from your new best friend Google. Your next step is to put that information down on paper. Don’t plagiarize though. If you write information that you are sure came from another source, then cite it. (How to avoid plagiarizing is an actual useful tid-bit of information that the Googs can teach you.) But the most important part here is you don’t have time to stop and start over — just write.

Organize

Once you finish writing, you’re not finished yet. It’s not time to organize those thoughts that you just threw on paper. It is possible, but highly unlikely, that your paper is in perfect order. But because this probably isn’t the case, you should go through and double-check the organization of your essay. The key here is making sure that your paper is in a logical order. You should be able to justify why each idea falls into the essay. If there is something out of place, this is the time to move it. All essays should tell a story, and this is the step to make your story make sense.

Add the finishing touches

A lot of times at this point, you might find out that your topic wasn’t the same as when you began your essay, so go back through make sure your thesis statement is supported with your body. If it’s not, ask yourself what exactly your paper is about and contemplate changing your thesis to fit your paper. This also might be the step where you expand on your introduction and conclusion, so it too fits the body. All together, these finishing touches bring your paper closer to something that you can be genuinely proud of.

Learn for the future

It’s never fun to write a paper in the last minute, trust me (my editor-in-chief spurred this opinion piece on me 10 minutes ago). So what’s best is don’t procrastinate… Yeah you’re right, that’s not gonna happen.

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