I’m addicted to this new game. It’s amazing. I can’t get enough of it. It’s called “Angry Birds,” and you use these different types of birds to knock over these blocks to crush evil pigs, because the pigs stole the . . .
. . . Wait, what? You’ve already heard of it? Oh. Boy, do I feel silly. Well, OK. Forget that. There’s this video you have to see. It’s on that Internet thingy, on a place called YouTool, or something, and it’s this British kid, and his little brother Charlie bites his finger, and they . . .
Oh, c’mon! You’re kidding me! I am so behind the times.
Being behind on trends has been the common theme in my life. I can still remember back in elementary school when all my friends were entering “pogs” tournaments and getting really into the game and carrying around briefcases with their special, limited-edition collectors’ pogs and holding mini-Fight Club-like rumbles underneath the jungle gym where the winner got to take the losers’ pile of pogs home as his spoils of war.
At the time, I didn’t even know how to play pogs (I still don’t. In fact, I’m still not even sure this fad ever happened. It came and went so quickly, like Y2K or breakaway pants). I think I owned three or four pogs, all of them made from flimsy cardboard (the same type they use to make cereal boxes), and they all had slogans on them like “Eat fruits and veggies every day! – From the F.D.A.!” or “Math is for winners!” You know, those kind.
And my behind-ness just got more behind-y as I got older. I was late on yo-yos, Tech Vests, alternative rock (still not sure what that is), Beanie Babies and laughing at the demise of Charlie Sheen.
But nowhere am I more behind than in the realm of technology.
This is something I realized in the eighth grade while attending what’s called a “LAN party.” I thought my friend said “lamb party” and was expecting a petting zoo, or at least some gyros. Alas, LAN stands for Local Area Network, which is even less interesting than it sounds.
Here’s how a LAN party works: Add 12 parts Little Ceasar’s pizza, seven parts acne, eight parts 13-year-old loneliness and one part Death Zombie Nazi Hunt Crystal Quest IIV. Stir in 64 ounces of multicolored Mountain Dews, raise pot to a boil and sift out any females that rise to the top. I was the only one at the “party” who didn’t bring his own computer (though I did bring baklava).
In my defense, I come by my technological ineptitude honestly. My parents, bless their hearts, never felt the need to keep up with the Joneses. This past Sunday, they were recording the Oscar telecast on their VCR, which, according to Wikipedia, is some ancient form of media-viewing device.
For their children, this separation from the ever-changing world of technology was a blessing and a curse. Because of their influence, I am not smitten with the video-game addiction so many of my friends still have. Unfortunately, I also didn’t have my own e-mail address till I was 21.
But now, I’m catching up. I’ve got an iPhone (hence the “Angry Birds,” which, again, I fully endorse), which means this is also the first iPod I’ve ever owned (I still listen to CDs in my car). And I plan on downloading lots of, you know, apps and stuff. And, of course, I’ll, uh, tweet.
OK. I just bought it for the Angry Birds.