I’ve always wished that little thought bubbles would appear over my fellow students’ heads, especially on occasions like the first day of class.

“If I sit near this column, can she see me update my fantasy football team on my iPad?”

“Is attendance part of the grade?”

“Where are all the women? I thought this was a modern dance class.”

“No, really. Is attendance part of the grade?”

However, what I’ve thought would be more interesting would be to see the thought bubble over the head of the teacher as he/she ceremoniously reads aloud the syllabus. Regardless of the class, there always seems to be a slight disjoint between what makes it onto the syllabus and what the professor actually wants out of us.

Take a look at your syllabi right now. Do you think there might be a few sentences the professor may be leaving out? Well, here are a few that I thought of . . .

Seasoned professor: Here’s the syllabus I created in 1983. You’ll get an A if you laugh at the three stories I tell all semester.

Semi-seasoned prof: I don’t trust any of you, because every student I’ve ever had has lied to me so many times. I wish I still worked in the private sector.

New prof: So help me, this class will be so difficult that my colleagues will HAVE to respect me.

Dr. Math 1050: If one more student tells me that they’ll never use this stuff in real life, I’m going to take the volleyball team hostage.

Dr. History: This beard really sets me apart.

Dr. Human Anatomy: I wish I could stop picturing the entire class naked.

Dr. Classic Literature: Free thinking! Carpe diem! Don’t just jump through hoops! By the way, you have 18 papers this semester.

Dr. Political Science: Please, stop telling me which candidate your dad likes more.

Dr. Music: Athletics get way too much attention here.

Dr. Health Performance: Athletics get ignored too often.

Dr. Sociology: Boy, I really wish I could tell these freshmen their opinions are all wrong.

Dr. Botany: Anyone who giggles during the stamens and pistils lecture two weeks from now gets an automatic half-grade drop without being told.

Dr. Irish Literature: Isn’t this political satire so biting and clever? Wasn’t he so brave to write this and go against the establishment? Agree with everything I say!

Dr. Engineering: I don’t get it. Is this supposed to be funny?

Dr. Theater: I’m going to teach you all to act! But not too well. I mean, there are only so many jobs.

Dr. Accounting: I realize that none of you wanted to grow up and become an accountant. Believe me, I wish this were more interesting.

Dr. Nutrition: And you all thought this class was just about eating more spinach. Fools! Bwahahahaha!

Dr. Computer Science: 01000010 01101111 01110010 01101001 01101110 01100111 00101110

Dr. Nursing: Enjoy your blood-free holidays while you can. From now on, you’ll spend them pulling fireworks out of various orifices.

Dr. Philosophy: This class is the most important you’ll ever have. Also, the least important. Also, I only gave you this syllabus because I have to. Also, what is a syllabus, really? Does it really contain everything you need to learn? Also . . .

Dr. Communications: Communications is really . . . uh . . . are really . . . is . . . are . . . important.

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