LIFE RELATE-TINDER-SOCIAL 5 MS
(Aaron Lavinsky/Minneapolis Star Tribune/TNS)

Editors Note: This week The Signpost introduces a new feature, Unsolicited Advice, taking questions that can be found on the Weber State Confessions Facebook page.

Confession: How do you meet people aside from Tinder? I want to meet someone but not through dating apps because it just seems like a joke.

Dear penitent,

I can only assume that you posted this with the hope that it might garner a response to the tune of, “Don’t worry. You’ll find someone,” or whatever other banal verbal equivalent to the inspirational poster of the kitten dangling from the branch.

While a vapid comment like that might have made you feel a little better in that moment, in the end, it would only enable the kind of juvenile behavior that led to you seek advice from complete strangers in the first place. Instead, consider this alternative.

Now, you may have noticed that our species has been remarkably prolific over the last few hundred thousand years — one might even say too much — while Tinder, on the other hand, has only been on the market for four years, so this notion of dating applications being the standard of mate acquisition is just bizarre.

And this goes without saying, but it only takes a few moments to realize that most on Tinder aren’t having much luck finding love in the real world for a reason.

You also may have noticed that most dynamic, attractive, interesting, well-adjusted individuals who’ve worked hard on themselves don’t experience the degree of difficulty finding significant others that you are — and most have done so through the same means that have been used for centuries: meeting through friends, professional acquaintances or by simply going outside and talking to people without the use of a distorted digital interface.

So perhaps you’re asking the wrong question. Maybe the question you need to be asking is not where to meet someone but rather, should you meet someone?

You may have heard of a moral philosophy that’s been gaining more attention now than it ever has before: antinatalism. The foundation of this school of thought is that, considering the seven billion people and counting that currently occupy our brittle little biosphere, it is outright irresponsible to produce offspring because the roots of countless global crises can be traced back to overpopulation.

What I’m getting at is that, if I were you, I’d openly champion this movement for the rest of my life, whether I believed in it or not. That way, you won’t attract all the sympathy, reminding you of your loneliness, but rather, you’d be lauded for your independence and forward-thinking principles, respected for your categorical renouncement of the inevitable impulse to contaminate the collective human gene pool with your evidently repellent, undesirable genetic signature.

In other words, spare us all whatever hideous version of the great American love story that would inevitably play out if you were to find love. Don’t breed and sire offspring like yourself — callow, wretched beasts incapable of attracting mates in the real world and fairing equally well while plumbing the shallows of Tinder.

Hang in there, kitten.

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